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UNITED STATES
The Insider's Guide to a U.S. Christmas
As in all of the other countries around the globe that observe Christmas, in the
United States it is a time to be with friends and family, share love and
camaraderie, and give and receive presents. But Christmas in the United States does
have its own peculiar perks and pitfalls. The following is an overview for
the uninitiated.
America has long been known as the land of opportunity, hence the popularity
of mistletoe. In ancient times, mistletoe was thought to have magical powers
and it was used by the Celts and Druids in their worship ceremonies. Today,
it is the last hope and prayer of the lonely, since -- thanks to mistletoe --
everyone gets a kiss at Christmas. Here are two crucial mistletoe dos and don'ts:
Do: make sure your breath is sweet. You have no excuse, there's too
much peppermint candy around.
Don't: stand near the mistletoe all night with a giddy, stupid grin on
your face. You might be standing there thinking you are very slick and clever, but everyone else will either guess the game you're up to and stay away
or think you've had too much eggnog.
And now that we're on the subject of eggnog, "to nog or not to nog?" -- that is
the question.
Eggnog is a pale, viscous concoction with the flavor and consistency of
pancake batter. It is made with cream or milk, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and
loads of yummy raw eggs. The "nog" in the eggnog comes with the addition of
rum, bourbon or whiskey. If you ever have to drink this questionable
mixture, you'll be glad the nog is there to temper the taste of the rest of
it. Here are some eggnog dos and don'ts:
Do: call the Centers for Disease Control and ask them if it is safe
for you to ingest raw eggs. Their horror and condemnation at your suggestion
of such a thing will put your eggnoging experimentation into
perspective. Remember, just say no to eggs -- although you can still say yes
to nog.
Don't: blame me if you still try this stuff. If you do, run --
don't walk -- to the peppermint candy tray to get the taste out of your mouth.
Now in the United States, as in the rest of the world, we know there are those
relations that we can count on to get us some really nice gifts and then
there are those from whom we can only expect socks. "Argyle?! How did
you guess?…" Since they are family, we all pardon their gift-giving faux
pas. But in the U.S., gift-giving is not only relegated to the home -- we
give at the office, too.
In workplaces across the country, we have what is called a "Secret Santa."
Everyone in the office draws the name of another coworker and becomes this
person's Secret Santa. You may leave notes and candy to your assigned
recipient, but you must not divulge your identity until the time when all
other Secret Santas reveal themselves -- usually, at the office Christmas
party when each Santa brings a more substantial gift. This can be great fun if done
the right way, so here are some Secret Santa dos and don'ts:
Do: keep your secret! It's no fun if you don't.
Do: be generous -- nobody likes a stingy Santa. If you can't be
generous with your money, at least be generous with your creativity and give
your gift a personal touch.
Don't: be surprised at what happens if you still insist on giving a
cheap, impersonal gift.
First of all, the gift will be opened in front of everybody, so they will all
know you are a cheapskate. That cute coworker you wanted to date will never
look at you the same way again. Your boss may reconsider your promotion.
Someone will tell your mother. And finally, everyone at the party will avoid you and you'll be stuck
drinking your eggnog with the creepy guy next to the mistletoe.
Merry Christmas!
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